I've been undecided, until now, whether to write this post, because it sounds like I'm fishing for compliments, which isn't in my nature. In all honesty, they make me uncomfortable, unless they are coming from my husband.
It's not that I don't have reasons to be cheerful this week, it's just been a sort of blah week. Nothing much has happened, as my two youngest boys were self isolating.
This week I want to write about self confidence, do we ever feel like we are 'enough'? I know I don't, I'm have a real crisis of confidence at the moment.There's an old saying, I have no idea where it originated, comparison is the thief of joy. I'm finding myself comparing my life to others and falling into a rabbit hole of self pity. I know that we shouldn't look at others on social media and think that's what life looks like, but most of the people I follow are very 'real', yet I still think I'm falling short.
I have a small house, that always needs work doing, I can't even show you my clean kitchen floor, because it still always looks grubby. It needs replacing, but that costs, so I will be waiting for a deal on vinyl, so I can get it done. There's so much more that constantly needs doing too. Which then sends me into a spiral of not 'providing' for my boys anymore.
It's really hard on social media to see, so called, friends writing about lazy benefit scroungers. I didn't choose to be on benefits, I was a working mother of two, then life just went a bit crazy for a few years. There were autism diagnosis and early retirement through disability. I don't have the support to continue working, there's no family in a position to help out.
Should this make me feel less worthy? Probably not, but it does. I feel like I'm letting myself and my family down.
Then there's me, as a parent. The thing that very few will tell you about having children is that you are rarely appreciated. You will seldom hear the words 'thank you', add autism into the mix and you have no chance. It's almost expected of you, because it's your job.
Lately, as my boys have been struggling with this year (I know, who hasn't), I can't help but feel I've not been good enough, as I'm sure many can understand. We didn't do home schooling, because my youngest (12) has a very black and white way of seeing the world, school is school, home is home, never the two shall mix. Did I fail him, by not pushing harder? Again, it's how I feel.
Then there is the way I've been looking at myself lately. I know that most of my feelings probably come down to being peri-menopausal, that doesn't change those feelings though. I rarely wear make up, because of laziness mostly, but also because I'm not doing anything. However, when I do put it on, I feel like a different person. So it would make sense to wake up and put a little on, yes? So why don't I?!
All in all it's been a very introspective week. I'm hoping I can shake some of these feelings. That I can stop feeling like I'm failing, just because others aren't.
I know there's probably answers out there, maybe you can supply me with one.
One of those answers is probably: put down the leftovers of your son's lunch!
Anyway, I hope you're all doing well, in this final run up to Christmas.