It's taken a while for me to decide to write this, I just didn't have the words. Even now, this could come out a jumbled mess!
I have been absent from my little blog page, and across a lot of social media, for quite a few months. It has been lovely to hear that people have noticed. Not in a big headed way, simply that it's nice when people notice your absence. So, I guess this is my first dip into it all again.
Where have I been?
I'm not going to sugar coat it, last year kicked my ass!
The problem with never leaving the village you grew up in, is that you feel the losses more. I've lived in the same house since my youngest was 5 months old, that was 21 years ago. When I moved in my neighbours weren't spring chickens, probably around the age that me and Mr. Ojo are now.
This past year we've lost 2 of those lovely neighbours, both of which I had a lovely relationship with. I've also lost family and old friends. In total, I went to 5 funerals, last year, and those were just the ones I could face, a few were just too much. By new years eve, after another funeral, I just couldn't face anymore. I was in bed by 8.30pm, New Years Eve, the year could do one.
|Photo by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash|
Add to this, I lost friendships.
I've written about that in the past, so I'm not going to re-hash the whole thing. What hurt the most is that I was going through a rough time, so the loss of these friendships knocked me sideways.
Now I've had time to reflect, I overreacted, I immediately deleted the people involved off all social media. What I've also realised: If someone did that to me, I'd approach and ask to talk, or I would have in the past. That 'row' left me scarred though, I've come out of it a much different person.
I have always been there for my friends and, if any people I've fallen out with are reading, anything that is said to me stays with me, regardless of our friendship status. I don't believe in spreading gossip, it's a horrible trait. I've never been one to open up myself, only to a select few, now I never will.
I used to pop to friends houses for a coffee, or meet up, that's all stopped. I just feel happier alone (or with my dog), outside of my tight family circle. I find it incredibly difficult to trust.
Oddly, however, this has all made me stronger. My anxiety levels are lower than ever, and I'm happier. I do the school runs with the dog, chatting happily to locals en route. No deep conversations, just passing the time of day. It's actually quite blissful.
The other big thing, over the past year: Autism.
It's kinda kicked our asses. There's been statements, changes at school, lots of tears, lots of appointments and, LOT'S of poo!
|Photo by Nicole Honeywill on Unsplash|
Basically, it's been like a hamster wheel: Same Shit Different Day is now my life motto!
I guess what I'd like you to take from this:
You can be happy with your own company.
Sometimes the silver lining is hard to see, keep looking.
You can deal with whatever life throws at you, but you're still allowed to cry over it!
I really am ok and, It's good to be back.