We are almost half way through 2018 and, being honest, I've given myself quite a rough year. I don't open up often, except on here, but the past couple of weeks, I've had no choice.
I think people have started to notice I'm not quite right, not quite myself. If others are seeing through the mask I wear, it must be obvious. I've even fought with myself over writing this post, why would others want to read this? Then I remembered 2 things:
1: This is my therapy, the one place I've always opened up.
2: Others need to see that we don't have to be happy ALL the time!
Firstly I'm a parent/wife carer, they will always be my first priority. No amount of being told to think of myself will EVER change that!
The problem, I think, is that I've not only put myself second, I've completely wiped myself off the list. The past couple of months I've questioned everything I do. I'm constantly wishing I could go back to work, so I could feel useful somewhere. I can't say appreciated, because I know I'm appreciated at home.
I've let my hobbies go, I don't do anything I really love. I've neglected friends, not because they aren't good friends, but because I wonder why they would need me, in their lives?! Like I say, I don't tend to open up to others, I'm a listener. So once their problems are solved, where do I fit into their lives?
I guess that leads on to the self confidence bit.
I am not my own biggest fan. Despite losing 2 stone, so far, I still don't feel good enough, because I'm not doing as well as others. I don't see the smaller me, I still see the baby elephant. I don't think I'm attractive, which leaves me feeling unworthy of my gorgeous hubby.
I think all these feelings, along with feeling well out of my comfort zone, is why I had an anxiety attack, last week.
I haven't had one for many years, I've dealt with all life throws at me and been fine, but I think my brain just gave in. I was away for a couple of days, all alone, something I've been looking forward to for a while. I had 2 events in one day, both to do with special needs and blogging. I just felt uncomfortable, all day, I felt like I couldn't escape, like everything was out of my control.
By the time I had to drive from one event, back to the hotel, I could feel that I was struggling, but still couldn't open up to the people in the car with me. The drive was terrifying! How I didn't have an accident, I'll never know. I barely remember getting back to my room, but I know my heart was pounding and I couldn't breathe. The tears started, and were uncontrollable. Luckily I had the sense to call my husband (I don't even want to think how much I must have upset him!). He talked me down, talked me into having a bath, then getting dressed up for the evening bash.
In all honesty, I really didn't want to go to the bash, but it was the main reason I was there, so I had to. So I relaxed for as long as I could, then dolled myself up and slipped my mask back on.
I made it through, unscathed, but was back in my room by 10pm.
I guess the reason I'm writing this is to let people know it's OK.
It's OK to not be alright sometimes.
It's OK to hide away.
It's also OK to ask for help, from those you know will give it.
A good friend gave me a talking to yesterday, about the way I see myself, and my mam has told me I have to start my hobbies again (like blogging).
It's time to move my name up the list of priorities and to start complimenting myself more. If you follow me on other social media, you may see more selfies, that's just me trying to boost my own confidence. So what if there's a filter on there, as long as it makes me feel better!
Anyway, I'm off shopping tomorrow, with my middle son.
I promise to look at smaller sizes!