I know, you’re reading this thinking “She was in London, just
last week!”. Yes, I was, and it was heavenly. Full of good food, the company of
the wonderful Mr. Ojo and lots of sleep…………. Oh, and loads of texts from home!
Yes, I wasn’t spending my days in the mundane routine of
normal, but I was still worrying about it. I was still receiving texts, and
phone calls, for things I shouldn’t have needed to be called for. I still knew
how much Ajax was struggling without me, so I was worrying and loaded with
Guilt. To the point that I’m not sure I’ll go away alone
again, it’s not worth the hassle!
That’s the way it is as a mammy, and a carer. I think
sometimes it’s forgotten that I’m not just mam. I also think that because my
boys seem so happy and content, and that I look so ‘in control’, how much work
they are. There are days I don’t do much, yet hear the words ‘mom’ constantly,
which is surprisingly exhausting! Ajax needs constant monitoring, even around
the house, his danger awareness is zero. I’m the only one that realises he
doesn’t sleep well, mainly because, on the nights he doesn’t sleep, it’s me he
calls at 2 in the morning.
I was watching ITV’s This Morning, a few days ago. They were
discussing mothers, how they cope etc, they also had a phone in. A lady phoned
in, that was in a similar position to me. She was a parent and a carer, that
felt like she had lost her identity, she didn’t know who she was without the
I said to Mr. Ojo that I sort of felt the same. I associate
more with the cooker, than other human beings! In that, I have to always be
there, always ready, but actually something that sits around, with no function,
for the rest of the time. I don’t know who I am. I am definitely a one off, the
rainbow lady, but other than that, I’m unsure of my identity.
It screams at me louder, when I do escape for a coffee. I feel
a bit ‘in the way’, or I get extreme verbal diarrhoea! I feel so uncomfortable
in company, lately, that I make excuses. My favourite place is still the hairdressers,
I always totally relax there, but how much time can you spend there!?
Do you feel like this?
Are you a parent/carer, that has lost your identity?
Do you get a break, or does mom guilt (or kids with mobiles)
spoil it for you?