I've struggled to write, for a while, because whatever I would've written would have been a lie.
I would present a smiley Ojo, the positive Ojo that you all know. Recently, however, that isn't how I have felt. I can honestly name the times of the day I'm likely to smile: School runs & bed time. The first is because I like the people I speak to, at the school. I feel comfortable. They don't know me REALLY well, they know school Jo, they accept school Jo, this makes me relax. The second, well that's not a guaranteed smile, but it's my favourite place, the one place I can totally relax.
The rest of the time I am a wreck. The positive Ojo has had a blip.........
Depression doesn't come with set rules, it comes with a catalogue of different ones, everyone being effected differently. Mine has sprung up with absolutely no reason. Life isn't any harder than usual, I still have the same challenges as normal, but now they worry me constantly. I've cried more than ever.
Then last month I opened up to a blogging group I'm in. They were super supportive, and offered incredible advice. It gave me the encouragement to open up to my husband. As always he was my rock. I haven't opened up to anyone else, until now.
The reason I'm doing it now? I wanted people to understand that depression isn't black and white, there doesn't have to be a reason. It's like the monster under the bed, the bogey man of my brain. It's always there, but most days (months, years) I am fine, when I'm not, it's bloody hard!
I've gone to the Dr, with my husband in tow for support. My doctor was fabulous, instead of simply upping my prescription, she has referred me to the Community mental health team. My first appointment is next month.
Today I was having a good day. I got up at a reasonable time, not 5 minutes before the school run. I did my hair, put a touch of make up on and put on one of my favourite dresses. I was feeling good, I wasn't hating myself, my smile was genuine. Then one stupid comment has sent my mind spiralling.
It was a comment from a local person, that I don't know personally. She said 'I recognise you by your tummy', I gave her an odd look to which she responded 'how is everything?'. It was right outside my house, so I just muttered 'fine' and walked in my door.
I was stunned! I still don't know what to make of it, I'm assuming she thought I was pregnant, but it's still a very rude way to say that to someone!
The thing is, I'm taking all comments deeply to heart, even if it's not aimed at me personally. If I see someone on social media complaining about 'lazy benefits scroungers', they must mean me, right? Or if there's a post about fat people, well that's all about me, obviously! I have not been on social media as much as normal, for this reason. I have to think of my own mental health, and this is the first step. I've been back on, the last few days, but that's because I'm fighting to feel like 'me' again.
Anyway, that's just me, catching up, putting it all out there.
Also to say: We don't know everyone's story, their life.
Think before you speak/type.