Today's post isn't written by me, but it could have been. Today this post will resonate through so many of us, with special needs children.
I've offered my space today to someone that needed to get this out, but didn't feel able to on their own blog. Believe me I am so grateful for my little space on the Internet, but I can't put everything I feel on here. I have family that read this, I couldn't open up without worrying them, or telling stories they don't want to/shouldn't read.
The person who wrote this post needed to get it out, it is surprising how liberating it is to see some things published, to see them acknowledged.
Here it is:
Title: How autism turned me into a liar
I hate lying and I try not to do it, yet I've become a liar every day, and I realise that it's another of the wounds that autism has inflicted here.
I lie and say I'm okay, when I'm not.
I lie to reassure my son that everything will work out, when I often wonder if it will myself.
I lie about him to protect his privacy.
I lie about my feelings, so others don't have to deal with my emotional overload.
I lie to therapists. I tell them I tried something when I didn't, because I know what the reaction would be and my family cannot cope with it.
I lie to people who offer advice on-line when I tell them that their idea is good, even though I know it wouldn't work.
I lie about why I do things in order to spare other people's feelings.
I lie to myself when I tell myself that I'm doing the best I can, when I'm sure it's not true. Otherwise things would be better, wouldn't they?
I lie to the authorities by exaggerating in order to get services. It's just something you have to do.
I lie by giving the wrong reasons for my actions.
I lie to my friends, telling them I'd love to go out, knowing full well that I will probably find an excuse not to leave the house.
I lie to myself, because telling the truth would be unbearable.
I stomp around the house feeling angry and resentful. It helps me to focus. But I try to put the smile back in my voice if anyone speaks to me. Because that's what everyone wants isn't it?
It's not autism's fault. It's a disability for which there is no one prescription. Mum is supposed to know best, but I certainly don't. And neither does anyone else it seems.
So for now I will just keep on lying, while hoping that I can tell the truth one day.
It's a heart wrenching read and I can understand the writers pain. Please, if you ever feel that you need to get something off your mind, and you simply can't say it, I'm here.
Whether you are a blogger, or not, I will willingly give you my little space, to let it out.