Today is another guest post, from Charlene. Touching on a subject very personal to her, but that a lot of us can understand:
Guilt and love as a young mum
As mums, I'm sure we will feel guilty at some point .
For me I still feel guilt over times when Estelle my daughter was a baby .
She turned 13 last week and, as birthdays often do, they make you reflect and remember . Our relationship is much stronger these days then when she was younger which was confirmed by one of our mother daughter chats on her birthday where she said in so many words how she used to hate me ….
I left her dad when she was 7 and she was very angry over this and we didn’t have a close bond which I believe is due to me having post natal depression and me not having a mother of my own …that’s a whole other story! We also moved a lot which was very unsettling and as a sibling of a brother with autism she has had to take a back seat .
There were arguments in the past where I would say 'go an live with your dad' and I really struggled to connect with her.
I feel as a result all these factors combined has affected her and I feel GUILTY.
I often think, wow. I wish I could go back with what I know now and enjoy her as a baby and appreciate her growing up .
I think having her young affected a lot of my maternal feelings as I was still growing up and finding out who I was. A lot of the mistakes I've made she has seen, or suffered from.
So her saying yes I hated you, was hard to hear and I did cry but it wasn't said in malice, it was said as a sign of how far we have come .
We are close now and adore each other, we bicker, we annoy each other but we love each other so much .
I am very proud of the young lady she is becoming and what she has overcome. Despite a rocky start and lots of dramas, and the days I feel guilt, I know I've done a good job.
She is my rock and keeps me sane at times, as being a single mum and carer is isolating.