Hello x

Hi.

I've been gone.

I've been struggling.

Some of you noticed, and sent me messages.

For that, I cannot express how grateful I am.

In fact, the support I had is probably the reason I'm writing.

I woke up today and the urge to write was there.

The problem is, what to write?

Do I tell you why I went offline? 

I'm not sure, I just wanted to hide. 

I had to fake smiles for the school yard, not always successfully. Yesterday I rushed from the school in tears, I couldn't stop them.

I'd had a tough morning with little A, when he eventually got taken into class, I couldn't hold it in.

The voice in my head telling me I was a useless parent.

That's the other thing.

The Voice.

The one that is constantly telling me 'the truth'.

Tells me my husband doesn't find me attractive, that he's with me out of pity.

Telling me that I look shit, even when I put on some make up.

I'll think I look ok, then that little voice tells me how I really look.

I hate that voice.

I'm usually able to shut it out. 

I listen to others, instead of the voice.

But the last couple of weeks the voice got too loud.

That's where I've been.

Hiding with the voice.

But now it's getting quiet again.

I'm winning.

Thanks to you, for helping me.

What you have given me is more precious than diamond