Friday, February 07, 2014

What 'They' Don't Tell You

Every one always tells you how wonderful it is to have children, and it is! *coughs* honest!! 
In all seriousness, I can't imagine my life without a houseful full of loud, annoying wonderful boys. They are crazy and funny, yet miserable and hard work! No two days are ever the same. Add to that the introduction of autism and the word of the day is.......unpredictable chaos.

That's the good stuff. All those lovely pictures of the first smile, the first tooth. But what about all the crap that comes with it?? Hmmmm, you don't find that in the baby books, so here's my list of things they DON'T tell you:

1. Babies are boring. You feed them, they sleep. You clean them, they sleep. That's it. The rest of the time you are sat, exhausted and drooling from the 2 hourly feeds.

2. Sleep when the baby sleeps, my ass. Every past parent will tell you to do this, every new parent will ignore it. I actually did it with my third, then he discovered he didn't like sleep. So now I fit it in when I'm hanging out the washing, cooking get the picture.

3. Bedtime routines don't exist. You think they do.........but that is just your child lulling you into a false sense of security.

4. Toddlers love shit, and they will find new and inventive places to hide it. For my child, granted, it's a sensory issue. He once sat on my table (yes, the one we ate off!) with a table top pool game. Before I got there he'd filled most of the pockets with crap. I have a friend, who's son hid some in a pillow case, no lie.

5. They don't need you!! You think they do, you feed them, water them, give them love..........then you are quickly replaced by an action figure/blue train/talking pink pig. Get a good stock of magazines, they will ignore you until further sustenance is required.

6. Screen time monitoring is impossible. In our day........blah blah blah. Guess what? Those days are gone! They need screens for homework as well as fun! (That one has actually been used on me).

7. No matter how much love and support you give them, they will still turn into miserable, know it all, you know nothing, teens. You will want to scream at them at least once a week. You will wonder where you went wrong. At these times, think back to your teenage years..........hmmmm, yes, you just recoiled in shock didn't you.

8. Crafting/cooking with your child is not as joyous an occasion as TV makes it look. It's messy......and who has to clean that up?? Many occasion I have ended up sat at the kitchen table, happily doodling away, only to realise I'm sat alone! As for cooking......ugh. If milk, eggs and flour, glued to your toddler, is your idea of fun....go for it. My advice, stick to packet mixes. It's simple, fun and most of all quick, you can get it done before, said toddler, gets bored. 

9. Your house will be wrecked. I have NO un-damaged doors in my house......not one. They have been written on, bumped into, slammed into , until they are nothing more than scrap, hanging from broken hinges. I could replace them, but they'll probably get broken again. I (stupidly) put carpets down in my living room. They are now stained, by a potty training child. I want wooden (laminate) flooring back down, but that stuff is expensive! (All donations, pity payments, gratefully received)

10. Your life is not your own.......ever again. It's not! I'm 40 (I know, I really don't look it! PAH!), and I am still a giant pain in my mums ass. The only upside, is that one day you get to sit in their house, smugly looking on, as they go through this crap.

That's my top 10 list of stuff 'THEY' don't tell you. Who are THEY anyway?? Bet they don't even have children.

And, if you still want children after this, good luck
I'll either see you in the coffee, or the alcohol section of the local supermarket...


  1. Haha, I can relate to almost every one of those and I don't even have teens yet!

    1. Oh, please come back to me when you do! lol x

  2. hahaha! All so very true!! Love it!!

  3. I was lucky with the two elder teens, I'm just entering aspirer teen hell now!

  4. Oops sorry auto-correct did something odd there, but I suspect you know what I mean :)


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