This may end up being a rambling mess, and for that I am sorry. But if I don't write it all down, then I can't let it go. I am really struggling at the moment, with everything.
You, my dear people, are the only ones that I have to really talk to. I used to try and talk to others, but people don't really understand. I don't have that one person I can completely open up to, mostly my own fault. I hate burdening other people with my feelings. I will listen to yours all day long, I will give you cuddles and tissues for your tears. But I could never expect the same.
When you've read this, if you know me, you'll probably text or something. You'll say lovely things, and I will thank you and tell you I appreciate it.....and I really really do. But you're wasting your breathe.
I don't even really talk to my hubby anymore, if I'm feeling low. He mentioned work last night, that they were considering changing his rota again. That was me close to tears for the rest of the night (actually quite a few hidden tears too). I couldn't talk to him, I have forgotten how to open up. Even writing this, now, I am doing it with blurry eyes.
Do I know why? Actually........no.
Maybe it's my meds, I have been gradually lowering them. Maybe that's a bad idea.
Maybe it's PMT (sorry if that's too much info). I have always suffered terribly with it, and now I am, possibly, going through the change........maybe that's it.
But it doesn't feel like any of that.
So maybe I should look to change things, instead of moping about. I planned to make changes this year.
I want to make more time for me..........so far the 1st two days have not been successful. I genuinely think the only way I would succeed would be to do what my Mr said this morning: 'Shut the blinds and lock the door'...
Should I really have to??
So what do I do? I'm not sure I even expect answers.
I am even struggling to write. I have thoughts in my head, that just don't want to come out. Probably because I am too scared of a reaction.
Again I am sorry for inflicting you with my crap.........if it's any consolation the diet is going well.