That's where my head is at the moment! I'm not even sure if what I am writing today, will end up making any sense. I just need somewhere to put my thoughts down.
My household feels very unhappy at the moment, and I want to fix it, but don't know where to start. Everyone has seemed so low.
My eldest boy is truly hating school at the moment. He's doing well, in regards to his work. He knows what he wants to achieve, and he's working towards it. It's just that, he doesn't particularly like any one he's in school with. He doesn't fit in with the whole 'group' scenario of school. He comes home every lunch time, he doesn't go out of an evening and, more and more lately, he spends the whole time in his bedroom. I know a lot of you with teens will tell me that's normal, but it's not for him. He just seems to be wishing his life away, so he can finally finish school and go to college, hopefully to meet people he likes. Don't get me wrong, he does have a handful of friends, but outside of school, their interests are different, so he stays in!
Then there's RJ, everything seems to be setting him off at the moment. I do wonder if he's just picking up on the mood of the house though. He is increasingly shutting himself away in his room, which I could put a stop to, but then I would have to spend my time stopping him from flying off the handle!
My beautiful little A, well he still seems happy, as long as he is at home. He is getting increasingly upset at the thought of going to school again. I don't know if I can do all that again, so I am trying to set up a meeting with the school to talk it through. They keep telling me he's fine in class, but something is bothering me. I wish I could put my finger on it, but it's just 'mums instinct' maybe. I just know that I am getting increasingly unsure if I am doing right by him, putting him in main stream school.
Even the Mr is not right. He is increasingly unhappy in his job, to the point of it making him ill. The last time he saw the Dr, he told him he needed more breaks, and was surprised how little of the 'basic' needs are supplied to bus drivers. It is making him so low, he only looks happy when he has a few days off, in a row. He is looking at a new job, which would be part-time, but the longer it takes for them to get in touch, the more we feel like it's not going to happen. We are scared to build our hopes up, as good things don't really happen to us.
So that leaves me. I honestly just want to scoop them all up and run away. Live near a beach and let the ocean wash away our problems............I could do that, right?!
I'm finding it hard to sleep, as I am constantly worrying. I just want everything to go right for once. I don't complain to people, because what can they do? This is why I am doing it here, I've basically just written everything that's bothering me, I know no one can do anything! I don't want anything..........except for my house to feel happy again.........
So today I shall be thankful that we have a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs. That's more than most.
x Ojo x