I'm terrified of life, in general. I'm very aware that mine could be shorter than hoped. I don't mean to sound maudlin, but I take medication for several different things..........blood pressure, diabetes, cholesterol, depression, nerve pain.
Being totally honest, it doesn't bode well does it?
It leaves me wondering....
Am I Ever Enough?
I know I disappointed my parents, especially in my teens. I have 2 older brothers, both incredibly intelligent, and have both done great things with their lives. They both went into the RAF and they both have excellent careers as adults.
I, however, was more interested in boys, make up, smoking and drinking. Yes, I was one of those teens.
To top it off, I left home at 16, moved in with a friend, and within months was engaged, and getting ready to live with, a 25 year old man. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret it, I mean I'm still with him almost 24 years later....
However I know I didn't live up to my parents hopes. Even now I feel that I don't give them enough time.
This leads me to wonder am I good enough as a parent. I want them to learn good life lessons. They are well mannered, and often people tell me how good they are. But, don't we all question ourselves as parents?
I'm a stay at home mum, I wasn't, I worked right up until I got pregnant on my 3rd child. I probably would of gone back to work, but my main source of childcare (my mum) was unable to do it all the time, and my hubby works odd hours. Add to that little As additional needs, and RJ can be quite demanding, it all requires me staying at home.
As parents, this is where the guilt lies, my hubby would love to be home more. Where as I think he's teaching them great life lessons. He's providing for his family and showing them what hard work can bring. On the other hand, I see other working mothers and think 'I should be doing that'. When I did work, it was part-time so I didn't really get the guilt there.
It really is a minefield, isn't it?
My children are also not big fans of leaving the house. I get out occasionally, but it takes at least 2 adults to manage the 2 youngest, as they tend to wander (or run) off in different directions! But as their mother shouldn't I be able to cope?
Then I question, what am I actually good at?