Tuesday, August 24, 2021

Is this the end?

Do you know I started writing a long post about my year so far? No, of course you don't, because I never hit publish. Honestly, the year has hit like a ton of bricks.

Without making it too sad, I shall explain. We've had severe mental health issues, with my eldest two children, leading to eating disorders amongst other things. Mostly we are coming out of the other side now, but there are still a lot of things to deal with, both mentally and physically. Never brush mental health under the rug, it can lead to so many problems, if not talked about.

Then, very sadly and suddenly, we lost my mother. She has been my rock for many years. She was the only childcare I ever had, she would send me away for weekends, then come to my house to look after my children, so that I could have a break. Autism support is not readily available where I live, she was it. My mother was also the best friend I ever had, I could talk to her about, almost, anything.

She had been feeling a little sick, then it got worse, I talked her into speaking to a Dr, blood tests were taken.....3 weeks later she was gone. Secondary cancer of the liver, from the breast cancer she had 13 years previously.

Thankfully I was with her at the end. She was made comfortable and it was very peaceful. She even opened her eyes.

I have had days where I simply don't know what to do with myself. Saturdays were so hard because, even though I would speak to her daily, and pop over regularly, Saturday was our day. We would have chip butty's together, bitching about the world. 

With all this going on, I still had to home school my youngest. 

I felt like I was falling apart, until my husband pushed the idea he'd had for a while. I've always loved fabric, it was one of the things me and my mam had in common (she was far more talented with it than me). My hubby had been talking about me opening a fabric shop.

So here we are. Three months after losing my mother, I opened Mam's Fabrics. There's little bits of her in every corner, I genuinely feel like she's always with me. This isn't an ad for myself, but if you'd like to go give my Facebook page a like, you'll find it here:  https://facebook.com/mamsfabrics .

I'm not sure what this means for Ojo's world, I don't know how much time I'll have to write. I'll certainly update when I do have time.

I just wanted to say thank-you, from the bottom of my heart, for all the people who have read my posts, and followed my story, you mean the world to me.

So see you later, maybe?

Thursday, February 04, 2021

Where does my story go next?

A question I'm asking myself a lot, at the moment. 

I've never had a 'goal' in life, I've never truly had an achievement I wanted to gain, I only just scraped through school with 2 GCSE's, didn't go to college so, obviously, didn't go to university. I don't think I put in the effort because I didn't know what I wanted to do.

That hasn't stopped me from encouraging my children to do well, mostly because they are much smarter than me. However, if scrubbing floors made them happy, I would champion them all the way. Earning enough to get by, and being happy, that's what I've always seen as the important things in life. For most of my life I've done shop work, which did make me happy, if there is ever a time when I'm no longer needed to care for those I love (if my youngest becomes capable of independent living), it's probably what I'd go back to.

I was a bit of a wild teen, stories I will not tell here (as both of my parents read this blog), I was married at 19, to the same man I'm with now. I caused so many problems for those around me, but I have lived a life, I don't feel like I've missed out on anything.

Even this blog isn't planned out, I write when I want to and mostly wing it, as far as content. I don't want to monetise it (although I have occasionally, in the past), I don't want it to become a job, I want it to be my place.

Where does that leave me right now though?

Photo by Javier Allegue Barros on Unsplash

Maybe lockdown has made me question my choices. Like I said above, I don't feel like I've missed out on life, I certainly don't have any regrets. Everything I've done up to this point has made me who I am (an angst ridden, self depreciating mess, but still me).

Should I expect more of myself? Should I be striving to succeed at....anything?! Or is it okay to simply muddle along? I started to train, a while ago, as a teaching assistant. However, life got in the way, my son's needs took over anything I wanted to do. Again, I have no regrets, my son taught me far more than any course could.

So, back to the question, what's next?

I still don't know, do you? Has your life been mapped out since school, have  you always known wanted to what you want to do?

Sometimes I wish I knew but other times I just enjoy riding the wave of this life. After all, it's the only chance we get.

Much love

Monday, January 25, 2021

Lockdown Diaries

Ho hum, still going, aren't we?

How is everyone doing?

Here in Wales, we've been locked down since the middle of December. Honestly, I've said this before, it doesn't change things much for us. Our youngest has never been a fan of leaving the house, except for car rides. However, we can talk him into days out, into the city, we also like going out for family meals (not expensive, just our local 2 for 1). Also, me and the hubby like a stroll around the local town, when the boys are in school/college.

That's what I'm missing. I can't even explain my mood at the moment, I can't say I feel down, because I don't. However, the slightest thing can bring on the tears! I am one of those that is struggling to sleep properly, and getting weird dreams when I do. So I feel permanently exhausted, which means I have lost all my motivation to do anything.

Still have to do the home schooling though, which is a challenge in itself. If you're new here, my youngest has autism and has detested school since day 1. Teachers have even come to my door, to help me get him there. There have been years of tears, from both of us!


I started writing this a week ago and things have changed a little since then. I'm still all over the place, sleep and dream wise. However, the school work has much improved! We seem to have found our rhythm, we don't start until around 1pm, then we knock out several tasks.

This craziness is our work area! Works for us though

My son goes to a hub, within a school, and his teachers have been amazing at sending work (using various resources) that are within his abilities. He's finding some of it challenging and some of it fun, the perfect mix. Obviously I can't just leave him to it, I have to sit and work with him the whole time, just like they would in school. I don't put pressure on him, we just work together to get things done. I am finding his confidence is growing so much, particularly in maths.

So, last week, I was feeling 'off'. This week I'm finding my mood better, I'm still just a little exhausted. I think people forget that just because we are stuck at home, my sons needs are still there. The difference is, I'm not getting any respite. Even the weekly shop isn't a break, as I'm trying to stay away from supermarkets, I find the social distancing is non-existent, being diabetic, I'd rather not risk my health.

I hope everyone is doing okay, this isn't an easy time and we all have different things to deal with. Be kind to one another, and to yourself. 

We aren't miracle workers, we are just plodding through the best we can.

love always