That's a bit of a joke, isn't it? We all know I'll say it, but won't stick to it........or will I? Just this once, maybe I will!
Take right now, for example. We are currently on holidays, a last minute booking with Hoseasons (Booked Thursday, packed, left Monday), this in itself is totally unlike me. I like everything planned, with lists, well in advance. To add to that, I haven't brought the eldest child, I mean he's nearly 20, he simply doesn't want to do the same things, so again, that's not me, leaving a child behind!?!
Back to right now, I'm sat in the clubhouse type thingy, overlooking the pool where Mr. Ojo and the 2 boys are playing. Mr. Ojo isn't a fan of the water, but is a fan of his boys in water, he's been fabulous at not letting them see his fear and loathing. I am sat here, unfortunately not with a hot chocolate, as their machines are broken. Every now and then, I'm peeking down to see them giggling, the boys trying unsuccessfully to get on an inflatable crocodile!
I am not stressing, or worrying. I'll go down when they are ready to leave, help get everyone clean and dry. For now, I am simply being me, tapping away at a laptop, feeling like my old self.
This all follows on from a meeting with the Community Mental Health Team. Pushing myself to go to the appointment was hard, I was ready to cancel right up to the last minute, but I knew I HAD to go. She came to the conclusion, after an hour, that it wasn't so much psychological help I needed, but rather more practical help. She asked me to call a number, that she supplied, and request a Carers Assessment. If she'd known how hard it was for me to leave my boys, for an hour, to go to HER appointment, she'd have known this wasn't going to happen!
However, after finding out a little more about the carers assessment, I can see where she was coming from. In all honesty, the phone call still isn't going to happen, but at least it's opened my eyes.
I'm running myself into the ground. Through worry, stress, sleepless nights etc, I'm exhausting myself. I'm not more depressed, I'm bloody tired!
So I have made the decision to re-ignite Ojo! I had got to the point where I was comparing myself far too much to other, more successful, bloggers. In no other part of my life do I care what others think, or do, but for some reason it stresses me here.
Well, no more!
Ojo's world is being reinvented as a 'no shit, just me' space. I am going to attempt to sit at my laptop, at least 3 times a week. That means 3 times a week I won't be wife, mother, carer, or general dogsbody.
I will just be me!
(Or the best version of me: Ojo)
I've tried taking a break by going for to visit people, for coffee, but I just feel like a burden. Because I'm not around for friends, as much as they need me, I feel replaced. As a friend I feel, quite frankly, crap. So social media: my blog, facebook, twitter, instagram, will become my friends again. They are the places I don't feel ignored, or brushed aside.
In other words, if you don't want to see a ton of my crap...block me!
Here's to me, helping me, be a better me!