Wednesday, July 12, 2017

When do I get a break?

I know, you’re reading this thinking “She was in London, just last week!”. Yes, I was, and it was heavenly. Full of good food, the company of the wonderful Mr. Ojo and lots of sleep…………. Oh, and loads of texts from home!
 
Beautiful London

Yes, I wasn’t spending my days in the mundane routine of normal, but I was still worrying about it. I was still receiving texts, and phone calls, for things I shouldn’t have needed to be called for. I still knew how much Ajax was struggling without me, so I was worrying and loaded with mammy guilt.

Guilt. To the point that I’m not sure I’ll go away alone again, it’s not worth the hassle!

That’s the way it is as a mammy, and a carer. I think sometimes it’s forgotten that I’m not just mam. I also think that because my boys seem so happy and content, and that I look so ‘in control’, how much work they are. There are days I don’t do much, yet hear the words ‘mom’ constantly, which is surprisingly exhausting! Ajax needs constant monitoring, even around the house, his danger awareness is zero. I’m the only one that realises he doesn’t sleep well, mainly because, on the nights he doesn’t sleep, it’s me he calls at 2 in the morning.

I was watching ITV’s This Morning, a few days ago. They were discussing mothers, how they cope etc, they also had a phone in. A lady phoned in, that was in a similar position to me. She was a parent and a carer, that felt like she had lost her identity, she didn’t know who she was without the children.

I said to Mr. Ojo that I sort of felt the same. I associate more with the cooker, than other human beings! In that, I have to always be there, always ready, but actually something that sits around, with no function, for the rest of the time. I don’t know who I am. I am definitely a one off, the rainbow lady, but other than that, I’m unsure of my identity.

It screams at me louder, when I do escape for a coffee. I feel a bit ‘in the way’, or I get extreme verbal diarrhoea! I feel so uncomfortable in company, lately, that I make excuses. My favourite place is still the hairdressers, I always totally relax there, but how much time can you spend there!?

Do you feel like this?
Are you a parent/carer, that has lost your identity?
Do you get a break, or does mom guilt (or kids with mobiles) spoil it for you?
Anyway, I’M BACK! Did you miss my rantyness??

2 comments:

  1. Yes x 4! Glad you're back blogging xx

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  2. You are amazing. You are very much an individual as all parents and carers are but you do stand out and not just because of your hair! I don't have your stuff going on but sometimes I feel like I have to be on duty permanently and wonder when I signed up for it. Did you see the State of Caring report that really did well at revealing just how impossible it is for carers to get breaks often for many years at a time with not one day off. I have no clever answers but I hear you.

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