Thursday, June 22, 2017

Hey There!

I've struggled to write, for a while, because whatever I would've written would have been a lie.

I would present a smiley Ojo, the positive Ojo that you all know. Recently, however, that isn't how I have felt. I can honestly name the times of the day I'm likely to smile: School runs & bed time. The first is because I like the people I speak to, at the school. I feel comfortable. They don't know me REALLY well, they know school Jo, they accept school Jo, this makes me relax. The second, well that's not a guaranteed smile, but it's my favourite place, the one place I can totally relax. 

The rest of the time I am a wreck. The positive Ojo has had a blip.........

Depression doesn't come with set rules, it comes with a catalogue of different ones, everyone being effected differently. Mine has sprung up with absolutely no reason. Life isn't any harder than usual, I still have the same challenges as normal, but now they worry me constantly. I've cried more than ever.

Then last month I opened up to a blogging group I'm in. They were super supportive, and offered incredible advice. It gave me the encouragement to open up to my husband. As always he was my rock. I haven't opened up to anyone else, until now. 

The reason I'm doing it now? I wanted people to understand that depression isn't black and white, there doesn't have to be a reason. It's like the monster under the bed, the bogey man of my brain. It's always there, but most days (months, years) I am fine, when I'm not, it's bloody hard!

I've gone to the Dr, with my husband in tow for support. My doctor was fabulous, instead of simply upping my prescription, she has referred me to the Community mental health team. My first appointment is next month.

Today I was having a good day. I got up at a reasonable time, not 5 minutes before the school run. I did my hair, put a touch of make up on and put on one of my favourite dresses. I was feeling good, I wasn't hating myself, my smile was genuine. Then one stupid comment has sent my mind spiralling. 

It was a comment from a local person, that I don't know personally. She said 'I recognise you by your tummy', I gave her an odd look to which she responded 'how is everything?'. It was right outside my house, so I just muttered 'fine' and walked in my door.

I was stunned! I still don't know what to make of it, I'm assuming she thought I was pregnant, but it's still a very rude way to say that to someone! 

The thing is, I'm taking all comments deeply to heart, even if it's not aimed at me personally. If I see someone on social media complaining about 'lazy benefits scroungers', they must mean me, right? Or if there's a post about fat people, well that's all about me, obviously! I have not been on social media as much as normal, for this reason. I have to think of my own mental health, and this is the first step. I've been back on, the last few days, but that's because I'm fighting to feel like 'me' again.

Anyway, that's just me, catching up, putting it all out there.

Also to say: We don't know everyone's story, their life. 
Think before you speak/type.

Be kind.

12 comments:

  1. What a total b***h! You have to learn to recognise her by her sh*t for brains!
    I know what you mean though, the bad stuff makes so much more of an impact than the good comments. I am not sure why and I am sure there is a reason behind it. Most of us do the same.
    Sending huge hugs. You looked fab in that dress you were wearing xxxx

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  2. Oh huni, that woman needs a bitch slap!!! Here for you if you need a virtual shoulder. Sending lots of love XXX #gifgirlsrule xxx

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  3. Wow what an odd thing to say! I'm so glad that you posted this, it really helps to know that we're not alone when we feel like this. Well done for reaching out for help too, I think you're an inspiration!

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  4. Jo I know how hard it can be sweetheart but you are genuinely one of the nicest people I have ever met. I used to love working with you and missed you when I left. I'm so glad we've got back in touch. Just because you have rainbow hair and rainbow nails etc does mean you have to feel colourful daily everyone is due days off and we don't expect you to s*@the glitter rainbows. Hold your head up high (even if you don't manage the smile) we're here for you too. Can't believe what that b@#*have of a woman said to you xxxxx

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  5. Jo I know how hard it can be sweetheart but you are genuinely one of the nicest people I have ever met. I used to love working with you and missed you when I left. I'm so glad we've got back in touch. Just because you have rainbow hair and rainbow nails etc does mean you have to feel colourful daily everyone is due days off and we don't expect you to s*@the glitter rainbows. Hold your head up high (even if you don't manage the smile) we're here for you too. Can't believe what that b@#*have of a woman said to you xxxxx

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  6. Oh, Jo, I had tears in my eyes reading this. I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time but talking about it is a good first step. We are all here for you. That lady's comment was incredibly rude and insensitive. It says more about her (and her lack of social skills) than it does about you. Lots of love to you x

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  7. What a totally weird thing to say. I can't imagine any scenario where that comment would be ok. I hope writing about it has helped. You are so inspirational, always seem so strong and such a lovely person. I am totally spurred on by your weight loss too, you keep me going when I feel weak. Lots of love and hugs xx

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  8. What a completely weird and rude thing to say?! Really bizarre! It certainly says more about her than you! You're an amazing person Jo, and I'm so glad you've reached out. I had my first appointment with Primary Mental Health recently and they were so helpful. I'm being referred for a course to help my anxiety and depression. From what they said there's loads of treatment options, so hopefully we'll both find something to help. Sending big hugs xxx

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  9. There is no excuse for that comment :( Yes people say things that hurt on social media, even when they're not directed to you personally, and I often mute accounts for a while when I'm feeling fragile. Thanks for opening up about how you feel once again, it helps so many others xxx

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  10. That's so rude, really don't know why some people don't think before speaking. You've taken a weight off that is clear to see, i hope you feel a bit better soon lovely lady xx

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  11. Margaret Rose Edwards25 June 2017 at 10:13

    Jo I've just read your story I was horrified to read what that person said too you. You are a beautiful person inside and out. I've only known you a short while but I admire you very much, know one knows what depression us like unless they've been there. I love your coloured hair and nails. Take care sweetheart you have a gorgeous family and plenty of friends which I hope you class as one of them xxxx

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  12. *hugs* I'm sorry you've been struggling, I really hope you're feeling a bit better now.
    I'm glad you opened up, and I'm so pleased your doctor has been helpful too.
    I totally understand the taking comments to heart, I do it too when I'm struggling <3

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I do love comments and read them all, please be nice and tboughful to others x