Thursday, September 22, 2016

A Crossroads

I think I'm reaching a bit of a crossroad.
With family.
With life.
With myself.
With my blog.
Which way do I turn?!

I'm not sure what to do about it. 
I know the comments will come: 'take some time' 'think of yourself' 'we understand'.

Unfortunately, they aren't helping at the moment. So I'm writing it down. However, because I'm at this crossroads in life, this post may just be a jumbled mess. It could also reach out to some that are feeling the same, either way, I'm writing it out, because that's all I know.

I have had so many changes to my life in the last year. My husband having to give up work, due to his arthritis. He now has problems with his knees, lower spine & both arms. He struggles to get out unless I'm with him. The only thing he does still have, is the ability to drive, luckily that's our youngest favourite thing to do! Tonight they went for a drive, picked up a magazine in a supermarket, then drove back. They were gone for 90mins.

Sounds great? Nope, I spend that time worrying! 
My hubby can no longer catch my youngest, if he bolts. Luckily he knows how to handle him, so bolting is VERY unlikely........yet I still worry.

I'm also finding life very different with my boys:

My eldest who, just last year, was calling me from college, to calm his anxiety, is now back in college. He's also working part time too. I am so immensely proud of everything he has managed to do, but I miss him needing me! Is that wrong? Is it wrong that I still can't sleep until I hear him walk through the door, even though he's almost 19?

My middle boy is getting to THAT age. Yet at, nearly, 14 he's not getting moody and grumpy (well, no more than normal), he's actually getting more considerate and thoughtful. He is still a little shit in the mornings, but I'm not exactly chipper. 
I still hate the idea of letting him out though. We don't live in a nice area, the children that are out are normally trouble makers. In the evenings our local parks are full of teens that wouldn't think twice about getting into trouble. It's really difficult to let him go out in that atmosphere.

Then there's my baby. My little Ajax, getting close to 9. This week has been emotionally draining for us as parents. He has had to have glasses, it's not fun getting him to wear them, as it's 'different', different doesn't work in this house. We've also been told, this week, that having casts on (just for a week) will help his calf muscles, which are too tight. He has also, in the last few weeks, been referred to the wheelchair team, occupational health, hydrotherapy & back to the peadiatric consultant. 

I genuinely feel like I've been hit by a bus. My thoughts are all jumbled. I have children that don't need me anymore and children that need me more than ever. I have a husband who loves and cares for me, but also depends on me more than he's ever had to.

I am missing exercise, I'm struggling to find time. I had my first bit of 'me time' today (while they went for the drive), a few hours before writing this. I just collapsed on the sofa, with scented candles lit and a hot cuppa. I should want to do more, but I just can't find the mental energy!

I miss sewing. 
I miss exercise. 
Yet, at the same time, I wouldn't give up what I have for the world.

I can't seem to find things to write about because I feel like no one would give a damn. I mean we all have problems, don't we? Who actually wants to read about mine??

So what do I do next?

I don't know. I won't shut down this blog, but writing might come in bursts.

Because that's how life is feeling right now.

4 comments:

  1. I love to read what you write but I don't usually comment. We will always worry about our children regardless of their age. Their independence is due to the confidence that they have gained from a stable and loving family. Carry on, you are doing great! Just remember to take a little time for yourself, candles and hot drink is fine too xx

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  2. My thoughts are with you, your problems matter just as much as anyone else's and they are completely valid. I hope that writing this has helped a little X

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  3. We do give a damn, and it's because you write with honesty that we read your posts, please keep going if it helps you too xx

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  4. Ahh! It sounds like you have had a lot going on this week. Everything seems to have hit at once. Sending love and hugs.
    It sounds like your eldest is doing so well....I don't think we will ever stop worrying about our children whether they are 9, 19 or 59.
    Ahh! Can I swap your middle boy for my teen. She has just turned 14 and is a moody little so and so. lol I would much rather have considerate and thoughtful...Yep I am with you on not letting them out on an evening. I live in a rough area and I hate going out after 6pm.
    Poor Ajax. What a week! Glasses and the talk of casts. No wonder you are feeling like you have been hit by a bus!!
    I give a damn...I love reading about you and your family and watching the videos. Don't feel like you have to though. I feel a bit meh about blogging at the moment. I am sort of taking a month off in October. I am joining in with Blogtober16 which Hex mum is running. A full month of blogging prompts. I already have 10 written. Only another 21 to go but I am enjoying writing them. It's so different from what I usually do.

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I do love comments and read them all, please be nice and tboughful to others x