Monday, March 14, 2016

Where have I been?

I'm not sure how this will read. It's been a while since I've written anything, more than 6 weeks, and I've sort of forgotten how! I'm not even sure what I can tell you, just that my head has been fried.

I've been so busy being everything, for everybody, that I've totally forgot about myself. If you know anything about caring for those you love, with disabilities, this can be pretty normal.

My youngest has been having terrible trouble with his toileting issues again. I've taken him to the Dr, which was a total waste of time. My husband fell in the bath, which has given him terrible shoulder pain for 9 weeks. He also went to the Dr, it was also a waste of time. This is a little disheartening, as the Dr we really liked has left, so it leaves me wondering if the others are as good!

My eldests anxiety issues have gotten 10 times worse, which has led to him calling me from college on several occasions, so I can talk him down. One of the worst was this week, when he did come home he was getting chest pains! He ended up sleeping 24 hours, straight through. 

My middle boy was getting hassled in school, I know he can be hard work and slightly inappropriate at times, but it's not his fault! School is meant to be safe, where he can FEEL safe, he didn't. We've managed to get it sorted, for now.

As you can imagine, I'm finding it all so damn hard.
I'm exhausted.
I haven't  cried for a long time, there's nothing left to come out.
I feel forgotten.
I feel like I have no one to talk to.

This week I finally admitted, to the only person that listens, school:

I'm not coping.

I don't get any help from anywhere, I don't seem to know what to do anymore. I'm constantly on call, I don't feel like I have a life, just an existence. I seem to feel tired all the time, I've even been missing Zumba a fair bit, as I can't find the energy (today being a perfect example).

So that's where I've been: nowhere.

Unless someone needs me, then I'm everywhere.

14 comments:

  1. Oh no! It sounds like you have been having a rough time of it lately. Sending hugs. I hope you manage to get some help from somewhere. xxx

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    1. hopefully, it's all about referrals and waiting now x

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  2. Oh lovely! I completely feel for you! Things can get so tough sometimes and it sounds like you really do need some you time! I don't know what to suggest other than try to carve yourself some time where you can either have a hot bubbly bath and reflect, catch up on some sleep, or just have an hour out at the shops by yourself, whatever it is that usually relaxes you. I hope everyone is a little more settled and you can start feeling like you again soon xx

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    1. I need to find the energy too. I've spent a couple of hours hiding down the summer house, but I don't rest then, I fiddle with my laptop or potter around! x

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  3. It sounds like everyone is very lucky to have you - to know how to deal with all these problems. But it can be so frustrating that no-one else seems to be able to (in my experience anyway). Try to make more time for yourself. I am finding that getting time for exercise is tiring me out more - but then when I stop I am even more tired so it must be doing some good. I hope you are able to make time for yourself x

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    1. I hope so too. My week didn't really improve after this x

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  4. Jo it makes me sad that you feel alone, i fully understand though. I am always here for you, and you must remember to ask as well when you need something.
    I know i cant help with the specialist things you need for your family, but we can try and help with more time for you....
    I experienced a little of how much you are needed when i was at yours (and you were helping me) you are constantly needed, it must be exhausting. We need to find a way to help you get a rest xxx
    its good to see you blogging again , love you xx
    Nic

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    1. It's hard to go too far, I need to be close in case I'm needed. Roll on Costa opening in town, they will be getting a lot of business from me! x

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  5. Sometimes it's almost scary reading your posts, because while the details of our lives are a little different, it's like you're looking inside my head xx

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    1. It's frightening how many of us feel the same, yet no one reaches out! x

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  6. So hoping that the week has improved for you... I know how easy it is when you're a carer to put all your own niggles to the back but I'm glad you managed to at least tell one person. Tell more if you can, never be afraid to ask for help as you never know where it might come from. So the more people who know, the better xx

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    1. I will be asking for more help, I've reached out for my teen this week, hopefully that side of things will improve soon x

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  7. Oh Jo I've been wondering where you'd got to. Your family are so lucky to have you you're such a great mum and wife I'm sorry you're all having a tough time I hope you can find somewhere to get support from can you change to another surgery? One recommended to you by others as good? Would physio help your husband with his shoulder? Hope the kids are ok and settle again xx

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    1. Unfortunately physio has been finished, there isn't a lot they can do beyond pain management. I think the surgery is good, just this particular Dr won't be receiving another visit x

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