I'm not sure how this will read. It's been a while since I've written anything, more than 6 weeks, and I've sort of forgotten how! I'm not even sure what I can tell you, just that my head has been fried.
I've been so busy being everything, for everybody, that I've totally forgot about myself. If you know anything about caring for those you love, with disabilities, this can be pretty normal.
My youngest has been having terrible trouble with his toileting issues again. I've taken him to the Dr, which was a total waste of time. My husband fell in the bath, which has given him terrible shoulder pain for 9 weeks. He also went to the Dr, it was also a waste of time. This is a little disheartening, as the Dr we really liked has left, so it leaves me wondering if the others are as good!
My eldests anxiety issues have gotten 10 times worse, which has led to him calling me from college on several occasions, so I can talk him down. One of the worst was this week, when he did come home he was getting chest pains! He ended up sleeping 24 hours, straight through.
My middle boy was getting hassled in school, I know he can be hard work and slightly inappropriate at times, but it's not his fault! School is meant to be safe, where he can FEEL safe, he didn't. We've managed to get it sorted, for now.
As you can imagine, I'm finding it all so damn hard.
I haven't cried for a long time, there's nothing left to come out.
I feel forgotten.
I feel like I have no one to talk to.
This week I finally admitted, to the only person that listens, school:
I'm not coping.
I don't get any help from anywhere, I don't seem to know what to do anymore. I'm constantly on call, I don't feel like I have a life, just an existence. I seem to feel tired all the time, I've even been missing Zumba a fair bit, as I can't find the energy (today being a perfect example).
So that's where I've been: nowhere.
Unless someone needs me, then I'm everywhere.