The realisation of how much my life has changed, over the last couple of years, has become even more noticeable in the last few days.
Christmas is coming and nights out are being planned. With all sorts of friends, work friends, school friends, the friends you have coffee with every day.
I won't be doing any of that.
I've tried to work out how to have a night out, but friends lives change, they move on, they have jobs and new friendships/relationships. People don't stand still, and that is the way life should be.
The realisation that my life had been so consumed by my children needs, that I have forgotten how to exist, has really hit me.
I've gone from being a mum who loved to relax, on a Saturday, with a night of dancing and alcohol. To a battered old cripple, who is in pain most of the time, and takes that many pills and injections, that dancing and drinking would be more like rattling and leaking!!
As my children have grown, their autistic needs change and evolve, like every child really. But it's left me exhausted, most Saturday nights, I'm in bed before 9:30pm!
I know this should get me down, but quite frankly, I'm the happiest I've been in a long time, I just miss some grown up time. I miss letting go and having fun.
There is no way I can fix that, as my children's needs will always come first for me, that's the way I'm built. But maybe I should consider a 'works do' of my own!!
So in the next week or two I'm going to dress myself up while the children are in school (although I'll probably make sure the mister is on an early finish, just in case), take myself to a local restaurant and enjoy a nice meal, with a glass of something alcoholic. I am going to take my kindle, so I can enjoy it peacefully (no one bothers you when you're reading).
I am going to have a stay at home mums ' works do'.
I hope you have plans for Christmas, with friends and loved ones, if you don't................ Go out anyway, life is too short not to celebrate.