Tuesday, January 07, 2014

I'm Struggling

This may end up being a rambling mess, and for that I am sorry. But if I don't write it all down, then I can't let it go. I am really struggling at the moment, with everything.

You, my dear people, are the only ones that I have to really talk to. I used to try and talk to others, but people don't really understand. I don't have that one person I can completely open up to, mostly my own fault. I hate burdening other people with my feelings. I will listen to yours all day long, I will give you cuddles and tissues for your tears. But I could never expect the same. 

When you've read this, if you know me, you'll probably text or something. You'll say lovely things, and I will thank you and tell you I appreciate it.....and I really really do. But you're wasting your breathe.

I don't even really talk to my hubby anymore, if I'm feeling low. He mentioned work last night, that they were considering changing his rota again. That was me close to tears for the rest of the night (actually quite a few hidden tears too). I couldn't talk to him, I have forgotten how to open up. Even writing this, now, I am doing it with blurry eyes.

Do I know why? Actually........no.

Maybe it's my meds, I have been gradually lowering them. Maybe that's a bad idea.
Maybe it's PMT (sorry if that's too much info). I have always suffered terribly with it, and now I am, possibly, going through the change........maybe that's it.

But it doesn't feel like any of that. 

So maybe I should look to change things, instead of moping about. I planned to make changes this year. 

I want to make more time for me..........so far the 1st two days have not been successful. I genuinely think the only way I would succeed would be to do what my Mr said this morning: 'Shut the blinds and lock the door'...

Should I really have to??

So what do I do? I'm not sure I even expect answers.

I am even struggling to write. I have thoughts in my head, that just don't want to come out. Probably because I am too scared of a reaction. 

Again I am sorry for inflicting you with my crap.........if it's any consolation the diet is going well.


8 comments:

  1. I just wanted to send some hugs!! xxxx

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  2. You know what this is really. You probably know you have felt this way before and lived to overcome it. One thing is that I think it is so easy to stay indoors when it does not do you/me/us a lot of good. Get out, get some fresh air, insist on 20 minutes or so for you to have you time and if that means going for a walk alone so be it. I don't know how your days work of course and I do know you have some challenges that I don't. I also know from experience that things can change but all too often for us women and mums, that means we have to take control of that too. Won't babble on too much. Keep reaching out. Showing vulnerabilty is a very strong thing to do and whether it matters now to you or not. it ALWAYS helps others too. Take care and keep in touch because I for one want you to

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    1. I really am fighting to give myself time, if the children don't want interaction, instead of worrying over it I will occupy myself. Thanks for your kind words Kate x

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  3. Sending you big hugs. Sometimes writing about how you feel gives you a little key to help work out why or to search for the answer and maybe help. It is a tough one for me offering help, I spend so much of my time working out what could be the triggers and solutions of my 14 year old depression but then you didn't mention that word. I read your tweet the other day, how you wanted to stay in bed and cry. Bex was feeling like that the same day, I told her about your tweet as when Bex feels like this she wants to end it all. Not much of a positive but hey that tweet made her think she is not alone x so hopefully your post will make you feel the same and know there are lots of people there for you too. Sometimes the ones close to you are just not the right ones with the help, which is crap for you and believe me on the other foot makes you feel helpless but understandable too x Have to say agree with Kate about getting out in the fresh air (again I do this with Bex and feel it usually helps) and makes some plans and take little tiny baby steps to making them happen how ever small or big! Most of all keep talking and seek help if need be. Take care lovely lady - Ali x x x

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    1. Thank you for your words, it means a lot. As for your daughter, I think my depression was and underlying problem, even back then. Support is the best thing you can give her, no she's not alone. Please tell her that there are often days I don't/can't face. So don't, but promise yourself you'll try again tomorrow. I have been getting out this week, just a bit, like you say, baby steps xx

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  4. First of all, you shouldn't end with an apology, that's what we are here for, right? I can empathise on so many levels it's mad. I have always been the 'go to' person too and so I don't have any one to turn to either and that is why we blog isn't it? I'm so glad you have such fab advice from Kate, I'll be adopting some of it myself. Sending huge virtual hugs xxx

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    1. I completely agree with the blogging comment, you lot really were the only people I felt comfortable opening up to! Even though I have written on here every day, like normal, I have felt better for writing this post. Thanks for the hugs xxx

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