Saturday, October 26, 2013

Perfect or Invisible

Before I start this, totally self pitying, post. I would like to say a few things. This is not a dig at working mums, or stay at home mums. In fact this is not having a go at any mums. You are all amazing in many different ways. This is all about me! Just me, my feelings, my faults, my failings.

I am feeling very invisible at the moment. I used to work, I was a working mum. I did a lot of part time hours, but for a short time I worked full time, 30 miles from home. I was worth something, I was a human being and people would talk to me, care about what I thought, my opinions.

Now, not so much. I am finding more, and more, that I am being taken advantage of. Yesterday was Friday, my day. Fridays I go to school, to do something I love, sewing class. This is how my day played out.

7.30am my alarm went off, I was very tired after another disturbed nights sleep. I rang my son (in the next bedroom) to attempt to get him out of bed. This took 15mins. Then I start waking the other 2, although I may of nodded back off myself, I was so tired. 
By 8.15 I had eldest child going through the door, the other 2 up, demanding breakfast. I am supposed to be having a no carb week, but I didn't have time, so I had a bowl of cereal. Today was 'autumn colours' for the children, so no uniform. Little A wasn't too bothered, but RJ's anxiety was slightly up. As we were about to leave the house, he realised the school forum forms he wanted done, were on the table. He tells me he 'needs' them, to which I explain: if he had told me when he had taken them out of his bag, what they were for, rather than dumping them on the table, then disappearing, we could of sorted them on time. Now it was too late, we had to leave. I got them to school, just about on time. 
I came back home, made sure all the dirty clothes were put in the basket, the breakfast mess was tidied away. Then I put my bag together, including my sewing machine, ready to walk to the community college. This walk is about 0.5 a mile, to a mile from my home, with my bag full of sewing stuff. Not easy.
I got there in time for a cuppa, bonus! Then proceeded to sort myself out and listen to the instructions about patterns, the teacher was given. This is when my phone went of. It was the school. RJ had told them he didn't know what I had done with the school forum form, and they needed it today. I sighed, and told them I would get it over, just after their lunch break. 
I spent the rest of the lesson sewing, and trying to get hold of my hubby, who was supposed to be on break. I was hoping he could drop the forms off, saving me 1 job, I couldn't get hold of him. 
Just before 12 I started to put my sewing stuff away, I had to leave a little early, so I could drop my hubby back to work. If I didn't do that, then I would've had to walk back home carrying the, very heavy, bag. 
So I got him back to work, drove to the supermarket, as I didn't have time to go to the butchers for meat, for tea.
I then got back home, quickly filled in the forms, dashed up the school to hand them in. Then I dashed back home and threw together a bag of salad and a pack of ham, that I had bought at the supermarket. 
Then my eldest came home for lunch, which he did himself, leaving his dishes where they were. My mum dropped him back and forth to school. By the time he left I just lay on the sofa, ready to cry, I was so shattered. 
However I got up, emptied the dishwasher and refilled it. Emptied the washing machine and tumble dryer, then refilled it. Then went to the loo and got ready to go back up the school. 
I picked up little A, who thankfully was in a good mood. Came home, asked my eldest to wait for my middle boy to come home, while I took little A with me to pick his father up from work. 
From there we had to pop to the supermarket again, because Friday is toy day for little A, as a reward for going to school. The first thing my hubby asked is if I had got to the butcher! No, but I did have meat for dinner.
I got home, both boys disappeared upstairs, after KJ had helped put a toy together. My hubby said he would cook dinner, so I decided to have a bath (our shower is broken).
First as my bath was running, I had to calm down some problem little A had. Then I got in the bath, and RJ needed the loo. So he came in, with the dog. Then he leaves, and I hear my mum downstairs. I didn't get out of the bath, I wasn't even finished washing my hair! Then my hubby comes up and tells me my mum had gone and dinner was done, so out I get. 
We eat dinner, the boys, apart from little A, disappeared back up stairs. Me and the Mr have a cuppa.
Later that eve, I fancied biscuits and milk. So KJ, much to my surprise, went up the shop. He also bought himself a bar of chocolate (this is relevant). By 9pm I was ready for bed!
My hubby got in the bath at this point, undisturbed

That was yesterday.

Today I woke up, after a particularly rough night with little A. I came downstairs to find......

The chocolate wrapper left on the shelf, by where he had eaten it.
All of last nights dishes still by the sink.
A half full dishwasher, but no dishwasher tablets.
A bit low on milk.

I almost cried.

I am tired of being an unpaid slave. The bedrooms are a pit. The whole house is a pit.
I want to run away. Instead I cleaned up.

After running here, there and everywhere again today. I did it.
I ran away.

For 2 whole hours I went somewhere, I didn't say where.

No one phoned me. No one worried.

When I got home, no one asked where I was. Where I had been. Was I OK.

I am not perfect, my life is not perfect. I am simply invisible.

7 comments:

  1. I think that I also need to disappear for a couple of hours. Sometimes it all just gets a bit much. I have also bombed out on my no carbs, sitting here in front of a bowl of porridge! :).

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  2. So sorry to read this :( If I disappeared for two hours there would be uproar! I don't know if this makes me more or less visible. It is hard feeling you don't have a purpose for yourself. Stay strong. x

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    1. It means a lot that you've thought of me x

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  3. I'm sorry to hear that you had such a bad day.
    I don't know how old your children are, but you are doing both yourself and them a favour, by expecting them to help in the house. They should not move from a mother to a wife, and expect both to just look after them (I know men of 60 who still do this - stop it at the beginning!)
    They need to learn to respect you, and hopefully your husband will back you up. Steve Biddolph's book 'Raising Boys' is really good.
    My boys are 15 and 18, and they were expected to do chores to get pocket money - a raise at each birthday was only possible if they took on a new chore.

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  4. Don't be hard on yourself, and don't ever think 'perfect' exists - I know families of all shapes and sizes and not one is 'prefect' because it doesn't exist! Its nice to have goals etc but not at the point of making you feel inferior.

    You are not invisible either - you are the glue that binds your family together. Get them helping more, I honestly think men just see things completely differently to us females, my boyfriend is slowly being house trained but its definitely work in progress! Though he has taught me to relax, no harm will come from an empty chocolate wrapper. And trust me I find enough of them lying around or in pockets to go through the wash!

    And no carbs? No wonder your moods are all over the place, better to just eat sensibly and be kind to yourself, as per a quote I read a while back 'how can you nurture something you hate/ dislike'

    Take care x

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  5. Ahh Jo, I have never met the perfect family. You are most definitely not invisible either, you are an incredible force within your family. I do think it's easy for our family to take us for granted. I know that I did with my mum very often and I used to wonder what she got all worked up about. Now it's my turn to feel like I used to make her feel! Stay strong my lovely friend xxx

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