Friday, July 12, 2013

Where am I?

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, maybe it's time to be brave and share how I really am. 

I have mentioned in previous posts how I suffer with PMT and depression. I am never sure how much I should share on a really bad day. How much do you really want to know?

Do you want to know that the ONLY thing that keeps me going, are my children?

Or that I have had THOSE thoughts, yes really. A few years ago things were really tough for me, work wise, and I did consider just......not being here any more.

On a really bad day I despise myself so much, that I will eat and eat, to punish myself.

That I actually have a lot of mirrors in my house. So on a bad day I can, again, punish myself, by seeing the one thing I hate the most on that day.

That I feel incapable of being anything, a parent, a wife or a friend.

On a bad day/week I will hide away from everything and everyone. However when, and if, you do see me, you wouldn't be able to tell. You would see the usual cheery face that I excel at.

I don't let anyone get too close, because then they might learn to tell that the smile doesn't reach my eyes. My hubby is the only person to see the true sadness.

I am so tired this week, an all time low. I haven't even been on twitter much.

I don't think family, that read this, will really understand. 
My biggest fear is that I will be mocked. 
Hear the usual: "you're just attention seeking" or worse "What do you have to be depressed about"

Ugh!!! 

I know I am lucky that I have a good hubby, and lovely kids. I know this!!
You obviously don't know what depression is! 
It's knowing you have all these things, and not understanding why you can't appreciate them!

Don't tell me to go to the Dr..........I've been. 
If I hadn't.....In all honesty I don't know.

Should I have shared this? Or am I just attention seeking? 
What do you think?

5 comments:

  1. In no way are you attention seeking and if people u know have trouble understanding this is one of the best places to share and find support x

    ReplyDelete
  2. No in no way are you attention seeking!!
    I think it's a very brave thing to share something so personal....Good on you!!
    Hugs x

    ReplyDelete
  3. You're beautiful. You're kind, big hearted and supportive to so many others in your situation. I'd ask you to do one thing, read your post but pretend I wrote it. What would you say to me? Write it down before your inner voice pipes up. You're amazing, be kind to yourself lovely one. It can get better, you just have to ignore THAT voice. Sending you much love n hugs xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. I don't read any 'attention-seeking' in your post. Just a brave lady who has opened up a little and who struggles, like many, at times. Sending you huge hugs, and well done for sharing - you may just have helped someone else in the process xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you all for your lovely comments. I think I did the right thing sharing, so many people still don't understand depression xx

    ReplyDelete

I do love comments and read them all, please be nice and tboughful to others x