Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The Future!?

We can't see into the future. Personally I wouldn't want to. But I tend to look too much at the past.
I have made the decision that 2013 is the year that I am going to try and leave it behind.......
I have lived in the past for too long, it has ruled my life. All the things that have been said and done have stayed with me, still judging me, still calling me fat, still making me wonder if things will ever go right.

I've always lived by the rule 'regret the things you've done, not the things you haven't' but I'm not sure how much I should regret. The stuff I've been through has made me who I am. But what did they make me, a uncertain, insecure woman or a woman that can cope with just about any shit that's thrown at her, because I can! A woman that doesn't go looking for adventure anymore, that has settled into a happy existence of cooking, knitting and family. I love my life, I adore my family, but a little adventure should be a part of every ones life. Shouldn't it?

I can't put everything that's gone on in my life on here, I really would love too. But it would hurt too many people. Family read this, and sometimes ignorance is bliss. After all I was loved by my parents, I hope. So what could be so bad?

That's just it, it wasn't bad, it was just hard. My teenage years were just me and my mum, money was very tight even though my mum worked her ass off. I rebelled, I guess I went 'wild child'. Took solace in boys, cigarettes and alcohol. Its probably why I ended up with a 25 year old boyfriend at 16, strangely he turned out to be my silver lining in all this.

By the time I had turned 18 I had been more or less homeless. Ended up living in a room of a house where everyday was filled with violence, I had clothes ruined by the land lady after a few drinks, food hidden from us. Then we got our own place, it was just a crappy little bedsit that was so cold we had to take the calor gas fire into the bathroom to have a bath. Our first night we slept on the floor in the little kitchen we had, because it was the only room that had heating. By god I loved that little bedsit!

We had suffered the loss of babies we were too young and immature to cope with. We argued, it never got violent, we'd seen enough of that. We have always survived everything that was thrown at us though, family arguments, family loss, no money etc.....

My life has never been easy, I've skimmed over details, of course. If  I was your daughter, sister or family member, would you want to read any of the details about above? No of course not!

Then this year I discovered blogging. Simple as that.

It started with the lovely mamaowl she is actually a member of hubby's family, I absolutely adore her mum, and we visit as often as possible. I made friends through FB and started to click on her links. I loved looking at the insights into her life. I hope that I can now class her as one of my friends. Just like her mum she is kind, caring and hard working. From there I wondered if I could do this myself, could I really put my life out there?

It turns out I could. I genuinely never thought anyone else would want to read it, I honestly never cared. It was somewhere to let of steam, to rant away a bad day.........and it works.

So to now....I've been blogging for a few months, a few people read it, but more than that, I've become part of a community. I finally feel like I belong somewhere. This has led to me talking about going to Brit Mums live. Its a blogging conference, 2 days in London, filled with like minded people........people that I really want to meet.

So I'm going. Shit. I'm going!!

I have signed up, my mum paid for the ticket, part of my big 40 birthday present. I now have 6 months to lose some weight, save up for lodgings, and build my confidence.

2013 is going to be the year I leave the past behind.
Find the person that's hidden behind the fear and insecurities.
I am worth more than just the struggles, I am stronger than the fear that's holding me back.

So if you see me at Brit Mums looking lost and afraid, come say hello. The new me can't wait to meet you.

xOjox

14 comments:

  1. Brilliant and honest. And also a very brave post. I'll be at Britmums, fo' sho' and it will be an honour and a pleasure to meet you. I'll be the one that looks like me.
    Just subscribed to your blog and I hope others do too as I look forward to reading more.

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    1. haha, I can't say I'll look like me! But I am going to be there, thank you for subscribing x

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  2. Great post. I'll be there and I'll come and say hello. Lose the weight if you feel you need to, but don't beat yourself up about it. People will accept you as you are - whether or not you lose a few pounds.

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    1. Thank you, I am tired of beating on myself about my weight, but health issues demand the change. Please do say hello! x

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  3. That was a great post. I didn't read it so much as feel you were telling me a story. New to this blogging lark myself but seeing posts like this makes me want to forge on through this totally baffling (but amazing) world! Hope our paths cross on the blogosphere again.

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    1. Thank you so much! It is an amazing life isn't it? Especially as a stranger has now entered my life and wished me well, makes it worth while x

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  4. What a great post. And what a great story. Isn't blogging wonderful? I may very well meet you next year, as I'm really hoping to get to BritMums myself. Keep on blogging!

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    1. It would be lovely to meet you! I do hope you can make it x

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  5. Fantastic! Great read and I hope that 2013 is full of adventures x

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  6. I hope so, I hope everyone gets some adventure in 2013 x.

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  7. Ah Jo you are so lovely! I'm looking forward to coming to Britmums with you ;) x

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    1. I'm not lovely.....well maybe a little haha! I hope you are! I've already got my ticket..gulp! xx

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  8. such a lovely honest post, I have only been blogging since September its great isn't it. if I make it to Brit Mums I will definitely come and say Hi xx

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    1. I really hope you make it! I would love to meet you! I'm quite looking forward to it now xx

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