Wednesday, July 26, 2017

I'll fix myself....

That's a bit of a joke, isn't it? We all know I'll say it, but won't stick to it........or will I? Just this once, maybe I will!

Take right now, for example. We are currently on holidays, a last minute booking with Hoseasons (Booked Thursday, packed, left Monday), this in itself is totally unlike me. I like everything planned, with lists, well in advance. To add to that, I haven't brought the eldest child, I mean he's nearly 20, he simply doesn't want to do the same things, so again, that's not me, leaving a child behind!?! 
Back to right now, I'm sat in the clubhouse type thingy, overlooking the pool where Mr. Ojo and the 2 boys are playing. Mr. Ojo isn't a fan of the water, but is a fan of his boys in water, he's been fabulous at not letting them see his fear and loathing. I am sat here, unfortunately not with a hot chocolate, as their machines are broken. Every now and then, I'm peeking down to see them giggling, the boys trying unsuccessfully to get on an inflatable crocodile!

I am not stressing, or worrying. I'll go down when they are ready to leave, help get everyone clean and dry. For now, I am simply being me, tapping away at a laptop, feeling like my old self.

This all follows on from a meeting with the Community Mental Health Team. Pushing myself to go to the appointment was hard, I was ready to cancel right up to the last minute, but I knew I HAD to go. She came to the conclusion, after an hour, that it wasn't so much psychological help I needed, but rather more practical help. She asked me to call a number, that she supplied, and request a Carers Assessment. If she'd known how hard it was for me to leave my boys, for an hour, to go to HER appointment, she'd have known this wasn't going to happen!

However, after finding out a little more about the carers assessment, I can see where she was coming from. In all honesty, the phone call still isn't going to happen, but at least it's opened my eyes. 

I'm running myself into the ground. Through worry, stress, sleepless nights etc, I'm exhausting myself. I'm not more depressed, I'm bloody tired!

So I have made the decision to re-ignite Ojo! I had got to the point where I was comparing myself far too much to other, more successful, bloggers. In no other part of my life do I care what others think, or do, but for some reason it stresses me here. 

Well, no more!

Ojo's world is being reinvented as a 'no shit, just me' space. I am going to attempt to sit at my laptop, at least 3 times a week. That means 3 times a week I won't be wife, mother, carer, or general dogsbody. 

I will just be me!
(Or the best version of me: Ojo)

I've tried taking a break by going for to visit people, for coffee, but I just feel like a burden. Because I'm not around for friends, as much as they need me, I feel replaced. As a friend I feel, quite frankly, crap. So social media: my blog, facebook, twitter, instagram, will become my friends again. They are the places I don't feel ignored, or brushed aside. 

In other words, if you don't want to see a ton of my crap...block me!

Here's to me, helping me, be a better me!

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

When do I get a break?

I know, you’re reading this thinking “She was in London, just last week!”. Yes, I was, and it was heavenly. Full of good food, the company of the wonderful Mr. Ojo and lots of sleep…………. Oh, and loads of texts from home!
Beautiful London

Yes, I wasn’t spending my days in the mundane routine of normal, but I was still worrying about it. I was still receiving texts, and phone calls, for things I shouldn’t have needed to be called for. I still knew how much Ajax was struggling without me, so I was worrying and loaded with mammy guilt.

Guilt. To the point that I’m not sure I’ll go away alone again, it’s not worth the hassle!

That’s the way it is as a mammy, and a carer. I think sometimes it’s forgotten that I’m not just mam. I also think that because my boys seem so happy and content, and that I look so ‘in control’, how much work they are. There are days I don’t do much, yet hear the words ‘mom’ constantly, which is surprisingly exhausting! Ajax needs constant monitoring, even around the house, his danger awareness is zero. I’m the only one that realises he doesn’t sleep well, mainly because, on the nights he doesn’t sleep, it’s me he calls at 2 in the morning.

I was watching ITV’s This Morning, a few days ago. They were discussing mothers, how they cope etc, they also had a phone in. A lady phoned in, that was in a similar position to me. She was a parent and a carer, that felt like she had lost her identity, she didn’t know who she was without the children.

I said to Mr. Ojo that I sort of felt the same. I associate more with the cooker, than other human beings! In that, I have to always be there, always ready, but actually something that sits around, with no function, for the rest of the time. I don’t know who I am. I am definitely a one off, the rainbow lady, but other than that, I’m unsure of my identity.

It screams at me louder, when I do escape for a coffee. I feel a bit ‘in the way’, or I get extreme verbal diarrhoea! I feel so uncomfortable in company, lately, that I make excuses. My favourite place is still the hairdressers, I always totally relax there, but how much time can you spend there!?

Do you feel like this?
Are you a parent/carer, that has lost your identity?
Do you get a break, or does mom guilt (or kids with mobiles) spoil it for you?
Anyway, I’M BACK! Did you miss my rantyness??

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Hey There!

I've struggled to write, for a while, because whatever I would've written would have been a lie.

I would present a smiley Ojo, the positive Ojo that you all know. Recently, however, that isn't how I have felt. I can honestly name the times of the day I'm likely to smile: School runs & bed time. The first is because I like the people I speak to, at the school. I feel comfortable. They don't know me REALLY well, they know school Jo, they accept school Jo, this makes me relax. The second, well that's not a guaranteed smile, but it's my favourite place, the one place I can totally relax. 

The rest of the time I am a wreck. The positive Ojo has had a blip.........

Depression doesn't come with set rules, it comes with a catalogue of different ones, everyone being effected differently. Mine has sprung up with absolutely no reason. Life isn't any harder than usual, I still have the same challenges as normal, but now they worry me constantly. I've cried more than ever.

Then last month I opened up to a blogging group I'm in. They were super supportive, and offered incredible advice. It gave me the encouragement to open up to my husband. As always he was my rock. I haven't opened up to anyone else, until now. 

The reason I'm doing it now? I wanted people to understand that depression isn't black and white, there doesn't have to be a reason. It's like the monster under the bed, the bogey man of my brain. It's always there, but most days (months, years) I am fine, when I'm not, it's bloody hard!

I've gone to the Dr, with my husband in tow for support. My doctor was fabulous, instead of simply upping my prescription, she has referred me to the Community mental health team. My first appointment is next month.

Today I was having a good day. I got up at a reasonable time, not 5 minutes before the school run. I did my hair, put a touch of make up on and put on one of my favourite dresses. I was feeling good, I wasn't hating myself, my smile was genuine. Then one stupid comment has sent my mind spiralling. 

It was a comment from a local person, that I don't know personally. She said 'I recognise you by your tummy', I gave her an odd look to which she responded 'how is everything?'. It was right outside my house, so I just muttered 'fine' and walked in my door.

I was stunned! I still don't know what to make of it, I'm assuming she thought I was pregnant, but it's still a very rude way to say that to someone! 

The thing is, I'm taking all comments deeply to heart, even if it's not aimed at me personally. If I see someone on social media complaining about 'lazy benefits scroungers', they must mean me, right? Or if there's a post about fat people, well that's all about me, obviously! I have not been on social media as much as normal, for this reason. I have to think of my own mental health, and this is the first step. I've been back on, the last few days, but that's because I'm fighting to feel like 'me' again.

Anyway, that's just me, catching up, putting it all out there.

Also to say: We don't know everyone's story, their life. 
Think before you speak/type.

Be kind.