Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Hello x


I've been gone.

I've been struggling.

Some of you noticed, and sent me messages.

For that, I cannot express how grateful I am.

In fact, the support I had is probably the reason I'm writing.

I woke up today and the urge to write was there.

The problem is, what to write?

Do I tell you why I went offline? 
I'm not sure, I just wanted to hide. 

I had to fake smiles for the school yard, not always successfully. Yesterday I rushed from the school in tears, I couldn't stop them.

I'd had a tough morning with little A, when he eventually got taken into class, I couldn't hold it in.

The voice in my head telling me I was a useless parent.

That's the other thing.

The Voice.

The one that is constantly telling me 'the truth'.

Tells me my husband doesn't find me attractive, that he's with me out of pity.

Telling me that I look shit, even when I put on some make up.
I'll think I look ok, then that little voice tells me how I really look.

I hate that voice.

I'm usually able to shut it out. 
I listen to others, instead of the voice.

But the last couple of weeks the voice got too loud.

That's where I've been.

Hiding with the voice.

But now it's getting quiet again.
I'm winning.

Thanks to you, for helping me.

What you have given me is more precious than diamond 

Friday, September 12, 2014


She stood at the edge of the pier, an old pier dulled by time........a bit like her: The colours faded and washed out, some repair work needed, but still functional.

Her hands on the white, but slightly rusted, railing, watching the sea froth below her. The tide was coming in, making a shhhh sound on the pebbles.

She stood there, tranfixed and thinking.

'Would anyone miss me, if I jumped?'

Shhhhh said the sea.

'I could sink to the bottom, no on would notice.'

Shhhhhh the sea repeated.

'I am so alone right now'

Shhhh joined in the pebbles.

That's when the tears started. Silently and relentlessly, tickling her cheeks as they fell.


Came from beside her, along with big strong arms that enveloped her.

Reminding her that at least one person truly cared.

Saturday, September 06, 2014

My Sunday Photo

If anyone saw my instagram yesterday, they would not be surprised that this is my Sunday Photo!

My little A wanted to draw the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and bad guys, with me. I told him to start without me, while I pegged out some washing. When I came back in, this is what I found:

How good are they?!

For a boy that struggles to concentrate, and struggles holding a pencil to write his name, this is incredible.

I think drawing is going to be encouraged from now on!

Am I Match Fit?

Last week I joined in with Kate on Thin Ice and her Striking mums incentive. It's all about realising that we are human, and we are most definitely not perfect!

She is setting questions and challenges each week, to make us look at ourselves and how we can make changes for the better.

These are this weeks:

1. Are you match fit?
No. Short answer! My mental health has taken a bit of a dip and I'm struggling. I know I should go see my Dr, but that just sets off a roller coaster of appointments, to do with other health issues, that I don't have the energy for.

This week the weight issue has been heavily discussed on T.V. How overweight people are costing the NHS billions, and I'm one of those. I have diabetes and all the other crap that comes with it. I am trying to change, but all this 'blame culture' on my favourite shows isn't helping!

I have made major steps to improve my health. I have made healthy, simple choices this week and I have significantly upped my steps. So I am trying.

2. What baby steps can you take towards your hopes and dreams this week?
Oh this is a tough one! I don't really have hopes and dreams. I can keep being the best parent I can be, that way my boys can achieve theirs, that would make me happy. I would like to make something of my crafting abilities, so maybe I will make something this week.

3. Who can help you on your journey? Are you asking them for help? If not, why not?
I think the only person who can help me, is me! I often reach out for help, but it never really comes. Only I am able to change, to travel my journey. So this week I will be asking myself:
What is stopping me?

Why not join in? Click on the picture below, to find Kate. You can join in across any of the social networks and I'd love to have you along.

Kate on thin Ice Striking Mums

A Review of Rio 2

The folks at Cash Generator, the high street retailer of new and second hand DVDs, sent me a copy of Rio 2 to review.

I know, lucky me right!
Um no, lucky little A.

I've moaned spoken many times about little A's total lack of enthusiasm for leaving the house. Even when we do go out, it isn't long before he is asking to go home. He doesn't like anywhere that isn't 'home'. 

I can't change that, it's the way he is.

One of the things he likes is films, particularly animation. He loves to watch them over and over again, repeating words from the film as he's watching. He gets so animated ('scuse the pun), it's a joy to watch him watching them. I am a big fan of animated movies myself, our whole family love movie times. 

This film was no different. We loved Rio, so we were hoping to love this film too.

I shouldn't have been worried, on the 1st day it arrived, A watched it 4 times! (he seriously loves films)

The film carries on from the original. Blu and Jewel are still living in protection, in Rio, but they now have 3 kids.

In this film Blu and family go on an adventure down the Amazon. There have been more of their species spotted in the forests, but their home is endangered. 

Blu gets to meet his father-in-law and is, once again, pitted against his arch rival Nigel (seriously brilliant character, probably my favourite).

How will Blu adapt to living in the wild, after a pampered life? With his friends along for company, it really is a great adventure.

It's a film that delivers a beautiful message about saving the planet, and about friendships. There is nothing in there to offend, but so much to giggle about and some brilliant music. 

I really would recommend it as an rainy afternoon film for the family.